The end of a chapter…

New Beginnings and the end of an era and a new start for Metanoia Mama Business.

I haven’t known really how to share this because well it’s not easy to share. This purpose (Metanoia Mama and The Mumma Hub) in all its forms has been my life for the last 3 years. Ive put blood, sweat and tears and so much love into this mission I’ve held so deeply in my heart. 

Since September when we experienced a miscarriage things have felt a little forced, all of this has felt like pressure to me. This kind of energy is not my ideal zone of creation, it’s shown me A LOT! 

Something it’s really shown me is how when this all began it truly was a gift. I had come out of one of the hardest times in my life (my experience of post natal depression and anxiety) and I had found a way to share my experiences and join them with my coaching qualifications to support other mothers.

It was my hope to support those Mothers in knowing and choosing a new way for themselves in motherhood and life. 

I write this now with tears running down my cheeks because as hard as I am on myself for not having this “business” where I felt it could have been by now. The Mothers lives I have had the opportunity of touching or impacting whether that be in a workshop, through coaching, in a circle, at a playground in conversation, through my writing on social media and blogs. The connections I’ve made, the friendships I’ve called in have come from my creation.

I haven’t allowed myself to really feel that… I’ve always been in the process of looking at what’s next, how I can impact and support mothers more and more and haven’t actually paused and taken a moment to see what I have created already on this path.

Sometimes we do that as humans, notice all our short falls and miss the reflection on all the moments of light in between. This experience has allowed me to flip that perspective.So I’m honouring myself right now. I’ve spent the last two weeks coming to this decision, feeling lost but knowing deep down it’s so right! 

Letting go of this right now is forcing me to really connect to my true essence like never before. (Pretty timely considering I declared in December my purpose had evolved to connecting mothers deeply, to the deep knowing and remembering of their essence).

I’ve had to think who the F am I without all of this. Am I… the human and soul that I am, worthy of everything my heart desires without this purpose. And Of course I am (just in case you were hanging there.) 

Something interesting though is that I have attached my success as a person to the success of my business. But a perceived idea of success.

What I hadn’t stopped to notice is that this all has been an incredible success, I have been blessed to be able to touch women’s lives and support them in creating change through empowerment. It’s not something I’ll overlook.

It doesn’t matter to me how many women or mothers that is now. I feel honoured even if it was one. What I’ve learnt in spreading my light in my life is that I always find deep fulfilment in my life when I follow the call of my soul. 

Right now that call is re channeling my purpose into coming back to me, through physical, emotional and spiritual healing, not because I’m broken but because it’s time for me to focus on the foundation of me not to serve but for me. 

And equally as important, my purpose is being re channeled  into coming back to motherhood with a deeper presence, more play, more joy, more focus on the simple practices and rituals I get to bask in with Scarlett before she starts school next year.

You can continue to follow along on Instagram or Facebook if you want to. I’ll be sharing everything that brings me joy, writing, photos, real life, anything that’s on my heart really. And who knows maybe this space that my soul has been yearning for will create something magnificent that I feel so called to share. 

I have no expectations, I’m committed to following my heart and soul ALWAYS.

I’ll have space for one or two personal coaching clients but as far as workshops, memberships and events go, my final event will be Redefining The Mother on the 5th of May. This is going to be a powerful workshop to go out on. I’m so excited for the mamas joining me already and looking forward to those who will be joining us. So if you haven’t had the chance to come along to a workshop with me then join me on the 5th!

 If you have read this far Thank You! I couldn’t finish this piece of writing without saying how incredibly grateful I am for each and every person that has supported me along the way. A special thank you to my love Paul for EVERYTHING, to my daughter Scarlett for guiding me always, to the beautiful power house women who have supported me behind the scenes (I seriously couldn’t have done it without each of you), to my coach Stefanos who believed in this vision from the beginning and supported me in taking the leap in bringing it to life. Thank you to my family for your support even when you didn’t quite understand what it is I was doing. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY… to every single woman that invested in themselves by coming to a workshop, event or circle. For the women that chose me to support you personally. I’m so grateful for each of you, I have literally done a happy dance when each of you have bought a ticket to any event or sent in an application for coaching. 

I know I’ll be back and I know this will all look different because I will be different. I’m letting go of the fear of missing out, I’m letting go of the idea of failure by not pushing through. I’m letting go of the pressure and coming back to my essence. So as sad as I am to say Goodbye to this chapter, I’m ready to really redefine the mother and the woman that I am (and that’s why I’m leaving with this workshop). 

With Love and Gratitude,

Estelle

Our Story of Miscarriage

 

A note to the reader: This story is confronting and graphic, I have chosen to share it in detail for people to understand a little more about the experience of a miscarriage, something I wish I had of understood before as I feel it would have helped me in this whole experience. Please know that this is my story and my opinion, we are all different. If you have recently experienced a miscarriage or feel a bit fragile with this topic please know that my story may be confronting for you and only read ahead if you feel its something you can be with right now. So much Love, Estelle xx

 

 

I held this bundle of love in my body for 9 weeks – who knew a love this strong could flourish in such a small amount of time, the connection could be so strong and then it could all be taken away in just moments.

 

Ive spent the last few weeks envisioning my life for the next year ahead, I was so excited to be a mum again. We were choosing two children to be our number, and not only was I imagining the next year ahead but what my life would be like for years to come, where I might be at in 5 years time, where my business would be, how my life would look… and it all changed in a flash.

 

I have cried, howled and felt numb from the deep sadness I experienced in this process, its been like nothing I have experienced before. Everything my heart and my mind was set on would now be totally different.

 

The days that feel like a dream…

 

It was the day after I started experiencing what felt like period pain that we had booked in for a dating scan prior. I guess you could say we were lucky to not have to wait for a booking at the ultra sound centre. Waiting from Wednesday evening after my visit to the doctor (who had said there was a 50/50 chance that I was experiencing a miscarriage), to Thursday at 2:30pm for the scan with the final answer was like waiting a life time.

 

The day of the scan I held it together, as the lady started the ultrasound I could see things didn’t look right. She finally expressed her apologies and confirmed that it would be a miscarriage. I responded with the logical response of “Its ok, it wasn’t meant to be, our body does what it needs to sometimes.” I almost said it robotically. Scarlett said to me as she cuddled her dad, “Mummy, you got a baby in your tummy?”. She could sense my pain and I said to her (still holding it together)…”Im sorry honey, not anymore, sometimes babies choose to go back to the stars in heaven because its not the right time.” To which she responded very matter of fact “The baby died?” and I whispered the words “yes darling”.

 

I stepped out of the appointment and whaled in pauls arms. We cried together as everything ran through my head and I couldn’t help but blame myself, I kept asking myself what I had done wrong, thinking that if maybe I had eaten better, stressed less, relaxed more. Paul said to me, “I feel like its my fault!” and I said in disbelief “How?!”. I reassured myself and him that these things happen and that we cant blame ourselves because its not helpful. He agreed and reassured me that we would get through this together. Grief has a funny way of bringing you closer to loved ones, revealing your tribe and showing you how much love and support you really have, if you allow yourself to be open to it (more on this later).

 

I was in shock and I went into autopilot, we were moving house that afternoon and the next day. I told myself that I had to get my shit together. That night as we moved stuff to our new home getting ready for the removalists the next day with the help of our beautiful friend, we just got it done, stopping in between to have a cry and be with the intense period pain that was beginning. In hindsight I may have done things differently and postponed the move but I think we were in shock, we got through it with some amazing removalists and the help of our friends and family.

 

Everyone kept telling me to rest but I chose to keep busy, it was distracting me from both the physical and emotional pain. On friday night I passed what felt like the biggest blood clot I could imagine. It was traumatising, I burst into tears as I ran to the toilet and cried to my Mum and Paul saying that I thought it was the baby. Im so glad they were there with me because I really had no idea what to expect and knowing I wasn’t alone was so comforting.

 

Later that night I experienced intense like contractions, having to moan and breathe through them unable to talk, they were happening every couple of minutes. After about an hour they finally passed and I fell asleep utterly exhausted. The following day I woke up feeling fine pain wise and Paul had a couple of hours of work so I decided to head to the shops with Scarlett down the road to grab a few things. I didn’t realise how difficult that would be, I wasn’t ready to face the general public, holding back my tears many times, even when just being asked if I had a Woolworths card! We got out of the shops quickly because the pain was also starting to return.

 

Once home the pain continued and started to get quite intense again. I was breathing through the pain whilst telling Paul we needed to call the plumber because the hot water wasn’t working #priorities right. Paul tried to take over for me but I wouldn’t let him, I had the task in mind and I just didn’t want to accept my reality, I wanted to distract myself and just get it done. In between running to the bathroom (as I continued to lose more blood) and handing the phone back and forth to Paul so we could explain to the plumber what was happening with the hot water system, I eventually asked Paul to hang up and take me to the hospital. I couldn’t handle the pain anymore and I was losing what seemed to be a lot of blood. Upon reflection of this situation I can see how much I was trying to hold onto control of the situation and everything because this total experience was out of my control.

 

In the Emergency Department

 

Paul and I arrived at the Emergency Department and I burst into tears having to say out loud to the nurse that I had a miscarriage. When saying those words out loud it made it all the more real, there was no distractions now, it was just Paul, myself and hours of waiting. As we waited we cried together and laughed together as he tried to cheer me up with ridiculous impersonations on the floor in our room. He was my rock, holding my hand both while he was going through his own emotions of the experience. After an internal assessment (like a pap smear) we were sent home to return the next morning for an ultra sound. Where I was asked to return in the new week to see the gynochologist as their was still “product remaining in my uterus”.

 

I just want to add a note here that when we experience a miscarriage our hormones plummet, just like after giving birth and the big probably obvious difference is that we don’t have a new born baby to feel so much love over. Which in my experience makes navigating the emotions quite difficult. Dealing with this loss and sadness is enough as it is and then to be experiencing the low of emotions from our hormones plummeting adds a whole other element. Talking to my doctor and my family really helped me to know that yes these feelings were so so real and also my hormones were adding to that.

After I lay on the floor sobbing and Scarlett and our Roxy comforted me. Scarlett asked to take a “camera” (photo)

 

The night before my appointment with the gynaecologist I was having a shower and I felt a hard clot trying to make its way out. My instincts kicked in, so I got down into a position like giving birth and breathed and pushed it out. I had no idea what was going on and it was a hard clot that was ultimately part of what made up my baby, seeing it on the floor in the shower was really confronting and Paul was there with me along with my mum on the phone. Tears ran down my face as I looked at what had just come out of me on the ground in the shower knowing that part of that made up my baby. The baby I was so excited to bring into the world, the baby I didn’t realise how badly I wanted until I was told I had lost it. (please note that I have no idea if I was suppose to push, I had what felt like more in there but decided to wait to see the doctor then next day because I wasn’t sure if I could cause a prolapse – if thats even possible?)

 

I was sure that had to be everything and that it could all be over after that but after my appointment, another ultrasound and another internal assessment their was still a lot left in my womb. I was asked to come back to have a D & C the following day to which I agreed. The next day I spent 9 hours waiting, 12 hours fasting and unfortunately I didn’t have it done due to emergency procedures coming first. I wasn’t annoyed, a little hangry but happy to have been gifted a day of nothing other than rest, to journal with no distractions and allow my healing to take place as I wrote this story and put pen to paper. Writing has always been so healing for me.

 

I write this today and choose to share it in so much detail in hope that we can bring more awareness to this experience. Every experience of miscarriage is so different just like pregnancy and birth. In my experience I had no idea what to expect and for me that made the whole experience somewhat traumatic.

 

1 in 4 women experience miscarriage and I feel like we get to speak about it more, share our experiences, take the power away from our fears by sharing them. Heal our hurt and our pain by sharing them in anyway, whether that be with the world, with your family, your tribe, a psychologist. This isn’t something that has to be kept hidden from the world because its real and its not uncommon and it’s really hard for a woman to go through.

 

We chose to go against the grain and share our pregnancy news with the world very early and at first when I found out the news I thought how terrible that people might think and say that we shouldn’t have shared it so early  and thats why you should wait 12 weeks and etc. But If I hadn’t of shared I would have personally felt so much more alone in this experience. I received beautiful, heartfelt messages of love and support from women who had experienced the same thing, women I didnt even know had experienced this and others that I knew had. I was offered support and love by my beautiful friends and family, by strangers, by my realestate, by nurses and doctors. I was open with my experience and with that the love and support has been incredible. I responded to people as I felt I could and often said that I needed time to process right now. Everyone respected my space and also let me know that they were there if I needed anything at all.

 

To know that I was being held through this both physically when I needed and energetically by every thought, prayer of love and gesture from others is what got me through this.

Bathroom hugs (we seemed to spend a lot of time in here over the last week)

 

In saying that though I totally and utterly respect anyones decision to wait to share, I totally respect and want to give so much love to every other woman that has experienced this. No matter how far along you were, if you got to hold your baby in your arms or if you didn’t. The moment we fall pregnant a bond is formed, an energetic bond of love. When we have to part with that their is an emptiness that I don’t think anyone understands except a mother who has experienced it. We become a mother as soon as we fall pregnant and that deserves acknowledgement.

 

This experience I can now comfortably say has been a gift and gee was it difficult to see that gift but here I am a week later and I can feel it. The lessons of this experience for me have been my gift and Im sure their will be more to come as hindsight is a beautiful thing. My lessons have been finding the beauty in mourning and sadness and how powerfully healing that can be to allow sadness and to be with it, to let it flow through me and heal my physical vessel as it does in the mourning process. The experience has also shown me how to trust in myself and trust and listen to my body and it has shown me how to truly receive… the love, the support, a simple smile or hug,  the help and everything else given from beautiful souls in the last few weeks while experiencing nausea through pregnancy and then this experience as well.

The sunset after my operation and saying goodbye to our little love at the beach.

 

I am not the Woman I was before and I will never forget the little soul I was blessed with for this precious time. We are incredible miraculous beings us Women and as we share ourselves openly in both the light and the darkness our tribe will reveal itself, we create relationships and connection with women and gather to heal our wounds and reclaim our power. Thats the kind of tribe I have built and what I wish for all women.

Woman supporting, holding and raising each other up so we feel safe to share our experiences.

 

And to my little bundle of Love, I feel you with me and I know that the world wasn’t ready for your light, they needed you back with the stars <3

All My Love Estelle xx

Relationships Take Work – Just like anything

From the moment we found out we were having a baby things changed… We were excited, scared and over the moon and we thought we knew what to expect but it turned out that we really had no idea.

 

We have our preconceived ideas of what being parents is like from what society shows us, from what our parents have shown us and until we are experiencing it nothing really can prepare us.

 

 

I can’t speak for my partner (as Im sure he was experiencing his own process throughout this whole experience, neither more difficult than the other),but as a mother the connection that grew between my baby and I became stronger and stronger, from the moment she entered this world I experienced a love stronger than anything, even stronger than the love I had for my partner and in all honesty that scared me a bit. I mean if I had a life or death situation who would I’d choose?… my baby of course! And thats heavy you know, especially because I know that my partner felt that. My baby needed me and as I claimed my new identity as a mother I needed her.

 

We knew those first few months could have the possibility of dad feeling a little left out and we tried to be conscious of that but the truth is that I was tired, sore and going through my own emotional and mental process. I all of a sudden was giving up most of my energy and body to this little love that needed me, by the time it came to connecting to my partner their was nothing left.

 

Over time as our baby needed me a little less and her dad was able to really build a relationship with her, things changed up again within the relationship, new challenges came about, things we hadn’t really faced from the new born period came to the surface and I was navigating through post natal depression. As you can imagine it wasn’t flowers and rainbows.

 

 

Long story short we had to rediscover our passion, our love and a new dynamic in our relationship all while I was rediscovering the woman I was transitioning into, mourning my old identity and finding my groove in life again in a whole different way.

 

I share this with you because since coaching Mothers I have realised that I am not alone in these feelings. That all relationships, if not most do really get tested when children come into the mix and that we don’t often talk about it openly and meaningfully.

 

There were many factors that supported us in moving through these times in our relationship and Im excited to be collaborating with Lindsay Bodhi (Sex & Relationship Coach) for a 3 hour workshop where we will be sharing these and so much more with you to equip you with the tools and knowledge in creating a more passionate and connected relationship with your partner.

 

Becoming parents was the catalyst to uncovering deep wounds and conditioning to how we showed up in our relationship which led us to redefining our relationship totally.

 

We are far from perfect and I’m sure still have plenty of learning to do as things come up and there are of course times that we are totally human and these tools get thrown out the window, although now we are quick to see it and use that awareness to diffuse the situation and choose to show up differently.

 

 

As we grow and evolve so does our relationship. What may have worked in the past might not, all of a sudden. We get to check in with each other and become aware of when to step back and change things up, check in to see if each other’s needs are being met and continue to rediscover who this person is over and over again that we have chosen to travel this journey of life with.

 

We owe it to ourselves to feel happy in our relationships and we owe it to our children in showing them what that looks like.

 

For those that may not be able to attend this workshop I want to leave you with a few things that I encourage you to look into to support you in creating a more passionate and connected relationship for you and your partner.

 

* Check out Lindsay Bodhi’s Website for some great tools and content around intimacy!

* Self Enquiry – Do the work on yourself, let go of blaming and ask yourself how you wish to show up in this relationship. Then go from there and uncover how you get to embody that within your relationship. It might take looking at some parts of yourself that are difficult but as you heal those parts of yourself and step into your greatest potential your relationship will transform.

* Communication is KEY – We are not mind readers!

* Make time to connect – Create space

* Get to know your partner, find out their love language and your own – check out my blog with the link here!

 

Their is so much more and these go a lot deeper so If you have any questions at all please feel free to contact me. Otherwise come along on the 20th of October to The Mothers & Lovers – Relationship Workshop for Mothers, Id love to have you there <3

 

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT MORE…

 

Estelle xx

Giving Up The Dummy – Some things you may have not considered.

 

giving up the dummy

This isn’t your average “giving up the dummy” blog it goes a bit deeper and lets face it, it wouldn’t be any other way coming from me and The Mumma Hub – Going deep is what we are all about!

 

Now to give you a run down, Scarlett my daughter was attached to the dummy like life depended on it! We had dummies all around the house, in the car, in the pram EVERYWHERE! Because goodness forbid we were caught out without the famous blanky and dummy combo. It was meltdown central, life was over when that dummy went missing.

 

So it had been quite some time and I had, had some suggestions, from family, friends and my beautiful Chiropractor to think about whether it was time for Scarlett to be giving up the dummy because her sleep was getting worse by the day. So I had many days where I thought, “this is it! Im going to take that dummy away.” But for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it and then I soon realised it was ‘I’ who was attached to the dummy just as much as she was. When we were shopping and she was tired I could give it to her, when she was a bit under the weather and I she was going to stay with family while I worked, it comforted me to know she could comfort herself without me. It was basically just really convenient and It actually came down to me not being ready. I definitely could tell she could feel my resistance with it, so we left it and just kept on living the dummy life.

 

A few months down the track we did it! Well in all truth we had discussed it on and off with Scarlett about her being a big girl and that it was almost time for her to throw the dummy in the bin and then one morning we were sitting in bed and She said to me “Mummy, I big girl now” and I said “Oh really are you? Does that mean you want to throw your dummy in the bin?” She looked at me and replied “YEP!” Before I knew she was up out of the bed and had walked to the kitchen and put her dummy in the bin.

 

I was in shock and I also knew that ok maybe it was time after all. It was a long week and a bit and their were many of meltdowns. There was also a couple of instances where she found old hidden dummies and acted like she had just found her drug after being clean for a few days! She looked at me and I looked at her and yelled “NOOOOO” (in slow motion of course) and I grabbed it just in time. I said “honey if you have one suck you will be hooked and she looked at me and said “please mummy one little suck?” And I said “ok but remember you decided you were big now and you have given up the dummy so if you have one quick suck it has to go in the bin.” She nodded and I put it in her mouth for a few seconds and said “lets throw it in the bin.” She definitely cried for about 30 seconds and then we just talked it out. I was grieving the Dummy too. My little girl was growing up!

 

We understand our children on such a deep level and they always teaches us. So I have some teachings and takeaways from this experience and I wanted to share them with you because I think that any change we want to bring into our childrens’ lives, whether it be starting day care, moving them from a cot to a bed, taking them out of their basinet in your room as a new born, whatever it is, the process has just as much to do with us as it does them. If you are not ready they feel it! If you are not aligned they feel it! If you have an inkling of doubt or a possibility that you might go back on your word they feel it!

 

These points I have found to be extremely helpful in checking in with myself when introducing any change for Scarlett…

 

  • INTENTION AND STRONG WHY – What is your intention behind the decison and not just the logical one but the one that will be repeated to yourself when you are having a moment of “Oh shit why am I doing this?”

 

  • COMMITMENT – Am I committed to this decision even if it challenges me? Can I be committed to this and still trust and listen to my Childs needs along the way through this transition?

 

  • INTUITION (WHAT IS MY GUT SAYING?) – Don’t rush the decision, take your time to forget about every other persons opinion, even take some time to meditate on it  (if thats your thing) or take some time in nature to quiet your mind and just listen to what your intuition is saying. Its in the quietness that we can hear the whispers of our intuition ever so powerfully!

 

  • ALIGNMENT – Does this feel aligned with me right now in this moment? Am I choosing this from comparison, fear, underlying guilt, peer pressure or anything other than love? This is a great opportunity to also acknowledge any underlying guilt you may have around the situation and do some further digging into why you have this guilt and what particular stories or wounds are you connecting to, that you are making this decision mean for you.

 

For example: You don’t want your child to feel like you don’t care about them and that you are choosing work over them by sending them to day care. Then you get to ask yourself… where in your life did you feel like you were not cared about, possibly an instance where someone you loved was perceived by you as them choosing that “thing” over you.

 

Creating awareness around this is key for you to uncover that this is ‘your’ wound and that instead you get to be conscious and reframe the situation, you get to remind the little girl in you that she is loved and that she matters AND then you get to re write what this decision actually means for your child, with love.

 

REFRAME-
I am sending my child to day care so s/he can learn more about socialising and interacting with other humans, so that s/he knows that s/he is strong and loved no matter who s/he is with and where s/he is. I am sending my child to day care so that I can contribute to my own growth, fill my cup up and contribute to our family so we can live an abundant life.

 

And there you have it, just some light growth and personal development brought to you by the greatest teachers of all, our Children.

 

If you have any questions or would like some support just shoot me a message, Im always happy to have a chat.

 

With so much Love

Estelle xx

 

ps: Im definitely not a parenting coach and their are many ways to give up the dummy of course, this is just what worked for us. The main point of this blog is to create awareness around how we show up in these instances and how self awareness can bring more ease into these transitions in both yours and your child’s life.

Giving Up The Dummy